The Stories We Tell Ourselves
What stories are you telling yourself, consciously or not, and how are they influencing the way you experience your life? How do they influence the way you live your life?
There are two different types of thoughts, conscious and nonconscious. (1) For intents and purposes here, we’re calling all of your thoughts “stories.” (2) Conscious stories are the ones at the forefront of your mind when you’re learning or doing something new: planning, creating, experiencing, actively thinking. Nonconscious stories are the ones ingrained deeper into your psyche. They make up your identity - your inner narrative - and they’re subtle. Quiet. You likely don’t even notice them passing through unless you’re exerting effort to do so.
The deeper, nonconscious stories are the life shapers. They are habitual. They have been replayed in your mind and acted on so many times that they don’t even need your help anymore, they just repeat on their own. In the present moment (right now, today), they make up the operating system of your mind.
Let’s look at a frequently illustrated example of nonconscious stories - exercise habits:
Person A runs at least 5 miles each day. Their stories might include:
I’m a runner.
I run every day.
Running feels good.
Running makes me happy.
Person B hasn’t intentionally exercised since the days of the Presidential Fitness Test in elementary school. Their stories probably sound like:
I hate running .
I don’t exercise.
I know I should work out but...
You can imagine the difference in lifestyle between the two.
A more nuanced example: The mother in her mid-30’s who has spent the last ten years raising kids and working full time. She tells her friends at brunch, “I don’t even know what I enjoy anymore (a story). I don’t have any hobbies (a story). I don’t know who I am (a story).”
Can you predict what that mother is going to do during her free time tomorrow? It’s not likely that she’s going to read a book, take a hike, or do any activity with the intention of changing her story (or her life). If she hasn’t read this article and applied the thinking to her own life, she’s probably going to scroll Facebook or organize the storage closet…again, and then repeat that same story to her friends at next month’s brunch meetup.
While the stories you’re unconsciously telling yourself and others might feel true as they’re being told, how dramatic actually is their impact on the way you live your life?
You might argue that your stories don’t truly affect your life if they’re not ACTIVELY running through your conscious mind; However, stories shape the entire blueprint of our minds. Here is the brief science:
Activity in your brain can be measured in frequency. Different frequencies illustrate different levels of brain activity. (3)
Lower frequency = lower activity = lower cognition. There is not as much critical thinking taking place in lower frequencies as there is in higher frequencies.
Younger brains operate in lower frequencies, and neural pathways increase over time as we learn to think critically and create judgments about our experiences. In essence, everything you take in while you’re growing up, including your environment and the “stories” you witness other people telling, is the foundation for the neural networks in your brain. As you age, your brain references previously absorbed information to determine the next best course of action; However, your brain doesn’t realize this information is outdated unless you tell it so.
Life Experience & Feelings:
How do your stories affect your feelings and your perception of the world around you?
Let’s look at an example: You grew up below the poverty line and absorbed the idea that there is never enough money. NOW, you make a decent salary and all of your bills are paid, but you’re constantly stressed about losing your job or you’re turning down plans on the weekends to make sure you’re not spending too much.
Story: There is not enough money.
Feeling & Experience: Stress, lack, isolation.
The Way You Live Your Life:
Imagine how differently the following stories might cause someone to act. Seriously, look at a pair of statements below and actually think about it.
I’m broke - vs - I’m in charge of where my money goes.
I keep attracting jerks - vs - I haven’t found my person yet.
I’m bad at math - vs - I can always learn something new.
I’m lost, I have no idea who I am, and I’m scared - vs - I’ve always figured out the next step.
| “Behind every system of actions is a system of beliefs.” (4)
The person believing they are bad at math is likely to keep avoiding doing calculations as often as they can, while the person who believes they can learn something new is more likely to apply themselves and seek out resources which might make daily calculations easier.
Your identity - your internal narrative - shapes your habits. The nonconscious stories you’ve learned and repeated over time make up your identity. If your beliefs are driving your actions and you’re not paying attention to what those beliefs are saying - are you acting in a way that is going to improve the quality of your life?
TL;DR:
Stories impact your feelings, and stories shape your identity. Your feelings and identity influence the actions you take on a daily basis.
If you’re feeling good and your identity is positive, you’re more likely to exercise regularly, manage your finances responsibly, socialize, and try new things. If you’re feeling crappy and your identity has a negative filter, it’s more likely that you’ll be sedentary, spend impulsively, isolate, and stop trying to grow. If the idea of never changing doesn’t scare you, congratulations!
Are you paying attention to your stories? Are they stories you’d want to be reading?
Are they stories you want to live out for the rest of your life?
I’m borrowing this idea from James Clear in Atomic Habits, where he uses the term nonconscious to describe “anything you are not consciously thinking about” (think: subconscious thoughts and beliefs, and knee-jerk reactions).
Idk, it made sense when I first thought about writing this post.
This fact and the following supportive information comes from Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself by Dr. Joe Dispenza.
James Clear, Atomic Habits